You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
He said he could outsmoke me so I challenged him to a weed duel. I don't always very competitive but when I do...
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
Randomize