it was like his penis was on wheels.
I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
The party went downhill once the fire department had to be called to put out the kitchen fire.
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
I'm still working on figuring out my birthday blowjob schedule. I'd love to just have all three of them get in there but I get the feeling they wouldn't like that.
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
Nah I think he's a bit weirded out I worked out where he lives from a Facebook photo
Lunch?
Massage?
Spanking with handcuffs?
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
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