So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
I had to fart so bad so i let it go hoping it would be quiet, it was loud and shit came out!!! and i couldnt leave because her parents were behind me
Just got my econometrics book in the mail and started flipping through it. Our Thursday parties may turn into u convincing me not to kill myself.
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
and I believe it was when I was running to class to take a test still drunk in my Halloween costume that I realized I have reached that point in the semester where I just don't give a flying fuck anymore.
got fuckng wasted at spring training, got a lap dance at le girls, got a burrito at filibertos, and still made it to my 5 o'clock eco class wearing a bikini top....I love Arizona State University
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
If everyone felt the happiness from apple crown royal we would be in a better place
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