I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
For a pair of gay men you destroy a lot of vagina.
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize
