Why can't I find a man that likes bush instead of a vagina that looks like it belongs to a prepubescent child!
Because men are children
Touche
is it wrong that i plan on stealing a few pipecleaners from my preschool classroom to clean my bowl?
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
Of course I fucked him. He was wearing a rainbow cock sock and cowboy boots.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Randomize
