the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
I literally might walk of shame home on a cable car. If that doesn't scream San Francisco I don't know what does
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
Im coming down to miami this weekend
We shall drink from the everclear river
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
In my opinion the party was fun, but i did A LOT of cocaine so my view was a little distorted......
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
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