I just spent twenty minutes with brandons dad explaining why head isnt typically considered sex...can we say awkward?
Wow, this guy is harder to get rid of than gum in pubic hair
we got back to my place and he started talking about feelings. i politely told him to leave and that he managed to cock block himself.
Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
May or may not be going home with my jamitor. i'm kiddong, btw, i have no idea. i'll let you know soooon.
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
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