I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
It was great. They teamed up to hit on these two frat boys all night, until the frat boys started making out with each other. The looks on their faces...
I'd say things got weird when I started doing lines of molly in the box.
The family next to you was not pleased
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
You pretty much lost your mind. Your ego has gotten ten time the size of your balls.
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
