Yup u can hook up with me now and not goto jail
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
Literally sucked a dick for ten seconds before I said to myself, this tiny ass penis isn't worth it. My night last night
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
i don't know when underwear became an acceptable clothing choice for parties, but god help me i hope this isn't a passing trend.
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