she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
He must hate going to the bathroom. Every time he does he is reminded how small his dick is.
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
Randomize
