If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
I didn't join FB to see my only child straddle that boy in all her pictures.
You thought that the "chillable" logo on the box wine was referring to a city in italy.
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
Wow you are like a taller more attractive sex Yoda.
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