When she sits down, she uses her fat rolls like an arm rest.
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
I guess I'm in a committed relationship. We just had shot 1 of 3 of Gardasil. I'm now dead inside.
Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
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