she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
Ok. Cause im very serious about this. I wanna strip and do coke for a month
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
bitch got booty called while we were making out. and then she actually left.
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
I felt I lost my designated buddy on a field trip when you wandered off to get high with strangers.
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
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