i jus pukd everywherw but i took a showr, come cuddle
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
Just facebooked the guy whose name you're yelling in there. So you're aware, his interests include "swearing at babies" and "Ice luge"
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
Hahahaha .. If it makes you feel better I had a sex dream about a cheeseburger last night so I feel like we both lose.
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Randomize
