Theres this tee in the mall and it says all girls just wanna have safe sex. U make me think thats a lie
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
are you going to last longer than 15 seconds
nope
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
like we started out all organized and composed and within thirty mins people were throwing up in the bushes, arguing over a beer bong and jumping in the pool with their clothes on
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
Just had the best random sex ever with a girl I picked up from a pro choice rally uptown. God bless the Democratic National Convention.
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
Gotta wait until my full time offer is confirmed before I try to fuck the mid level manager
im questioning your sanity while also accepting your reality
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
Randomize
