I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
My Nuvaring birth control makes me queef.
I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
Unfortunately the rum ran out midway through our viewing and we had to suffer in silence for the rest of it.
Randomize
