It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
we are cloud gazing and there is one that looks like a giant baby riding a dolphin and smoking a joint
i wish there was a reasonable explanation for why this reminds me of you
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
Sigh. I'll find the right guy one day.
Prince charming is right around the corner and will be freaky as shit!
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
Randomize
