matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
Well the light went out so I was throwing up by candle light. Strange moment in my life.
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
You were force feeding yourself jello and you kept repeating, "I will not surrender"
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
Is it possible to sluttify a hobbit costume? Cause if so, this will be my biggest accomplishment.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
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