Where did you get a picture of my penis
her fupa was seducing me. this is the last time i'm doing shrooms.
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
just saw someone in just a bathrobe not even tied shut run to the bathroom with a facefull of cum. Someone had a good night
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
I need to hump something and I know u understand.
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
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