I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
cant go down on her man, her vagoo reminds me of a face hugger from aliens
he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine.
Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
This chick just walked out of the men's room with molly all over her nose and her shirt half unbuttoned. She nodded to all of us and said "gentlemen" as she exited
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
Randomize
