am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
well after he sqeezed a zit off his forearm i got the hell outta there
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
yes you're required to wear a bikini its the snowpocalypse beach party
sold 4 oz of weed today pantsless. man i love college.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
Do you think I could use my teacher of month Award to get free drinks?
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
I I was gonna wake him up with a blow job but I don't know how he would feel about it.
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
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