dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
Soooo, if his status went from married to single and he deleted all the pictures of his kids does that mean he's up for dibbs?
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
Also when they left they could only find one sock between the two of them. Apparently we're like crazy sock ripping vixens when we bring guys home drunk
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
I felt I lost my designated buddy on a field trip when you wandered off to get high with strangers.
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
Randomize