Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
just found out there is no tactful way to ask your girlfriend to wax her stache. no matter what a google search would have you believe.
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
she just made some guy spank her... then made some chick take a running start and spank her.
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
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