I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
We were walking home when he passed out, we left him. Just got a call from him, hes in a jail in Canada.
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
I woke up using a beer can as a pillow. successful party?
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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