her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
Just had a flash back. Pretty sure i ate toilet paper last night.
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
we are torturing ourselves with these mediocre cocks
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
The yoga party turned into an underwear party because we are all incompetent when it comes to tying bed sheets.
This has been a Party Success Story
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
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