Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
so the sex was amazing up until the point where she said "wow, you're even better than your dad!"
this kid at 40 friday greeted another kid by saying "heeey farmville neighbor"
dude.
yep. needless to say i didn't meet anyone and spent yet another friday night masturbating.
I just looked at the maps icon on my IPhone and "eR" was typed in the search address bar. I wonder if we ever got there.
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
Randomize
