you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
Ok, stop saying "youths." You're 23.
Bacon and your penis are involved. Of course I'm going over.
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
Randomize
