Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
The biggest loser is alot easier to jack off to at the end of the season
my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
Pregnant only lasts nine months, being hot takes way longer to go away. So yes, I will continue to hit on the hot pregnant girl.
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
Day drinking is so dangerous way too many construction workers out there to flirt with
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
Also, fucking on half deflated air mattresses is a great full body work out.
It's pretty self explanatory. You tried to have sex on the hood of a car in front of everyone
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
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