Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
she wants me to text her or call her all the time when we are apart...this is not high school...
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
this ms. usa coverage has sucessfully humbled every girl here. depressed fish in a leaky barrel. go!
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
Steve watched craig and I have sex from the top level of his cat tower this morning.
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
SHE MASTURBATED TO THE THOUGHT OF ME HAVING AN ALL DUDE THREESOME WITH HER EX BOYFRIENDS.
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
Just because I'm asexual doesn't mean I can't have a revenge fuck.
Randomize
