No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.
Drunk me cleaned my room for me. Needless to say our relationship has improved greatly
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
When have we listened to the rational side of either of us?!
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.
I almost had a threesome in a giant beanbag chair. I love college.
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Randomize