Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
Wait. When you mean sick you mean a cold sick right ? not something else.
Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
I wish life had little blips of pornography
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
Randomize
