i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
Ed hardy stationary at walmart. I'm betting snookie wishes she knew how to write
i just remember pinky promising you guys to take care of him.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
All I'm saying is this is the exact reason I should not be left unsupervised.
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
nyquil+orgasm=very intense and oddly interesting
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