dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
Well my night just got interesting. I just home from the police station. Hope you had a fun night out!
shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
I just put on my hot pinky lace thong... you know what that means! ;)
Oh god. Slutty you is on the run. Someone needs to alert the city.
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
Like do you realize his dealer came out with a gun and we laughed like it was all just fun and games...
Not only did my parents pick me up from his hotel room in the morning, but he also came outside and had a casual little chat with my dad through the driver's side windrow.
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
Randomize
