Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
Just the amount of girls he locked himself in my room woth says your gonna have to take a cab bro. I don't think he's going anywhere
He brought wine and beer. I'll put my pants on for wine and beer.
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Randomize
