I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
no, i'm not a lesbian.. i just really want to fuck you while drinking, thats normal in a friendship.
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
The struggles of a small town man whore
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
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