totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
How do i politely tell him his dick looks like it went thru a meat grinder?
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
We'll just charge in there, all pant less and fabulous demanding he give back her ferret.
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
It's a sad day when you're not really phased by the McChicken video only because you've seen weirder porn.
and then you proceeded to throw soup at him for calling you a bitch...a CAN of soup...
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