Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
I wore water proof eyeliner just incase the first picture of me of 2012 is a mugshot
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
Now that mom and dad sold the camper, do you think it's okay to talk about all the sex I had in it?
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
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