you told everyone your name was brenda and you had the whole party chanting b-dawgg by the end of the night. successful.
dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
I feel that the whole multiple orgasm thing is god's way of saying "sorry for the childbirth deal"
i guess its officially winter break. i woke up alone and fully clothed this morning.
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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