I'm just looking at Lindsay Lohan's vagina.
Oh yea! I was just doing that too!
some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
Not going to lie- I'm a little freaked out camping right now. This is one of those high activities you don't do by yourselves...or close to bears
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
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