So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
we've progressed from teabagging to lighting eachothers asses on fire. this cannot be a good path.
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
You were doing karaoke. Then you screamed "SHOUTOUT TO ADAM LAMBERT" and started making out with the very surprised looking guy next to you.
All I remember is apologizing to his sister for being a bad influence while I was throwing up into a big gulp cup.
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
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