I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
Ok. You have started something that can only end with a picture of the inside of my butthole. It may happen today or next year, but it's on my agenda.
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
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