so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
I told my rommate that he was pissing on his bed. He said "ok man" and took a step backwards and continued. He then went back to bed.
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
That's right. If she can't abide by the rules then she gets booted. It's like survivor booty call edition
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
Two words: blizzard sex
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
