My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
He busted his lip while trying to keep from passing out in the pool. The hotel people don't seem to be too concerned that we're passing around a bottle of SoCo at 11 am.
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
She's Jesus crazy. And one if not more other forms of crazy. She's 2.5+ crazy.
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
