There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
Rick two cubicles down puked and that triggered three others puking into their trash cans as well. The janitorial staff hates it when we go drinking on a work night.
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
Yeah. Broke it off. Saw her cheating after she forgot to turn her zoom off. Ring=$$$. Not making that mistake-priceless
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