ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
his Mom's staying with him so he asked if I'd go over and fuck in his shed. he said "it's a really nice shed"
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
I'm getting to the point of going up to a guy and saying "Hi I'm maggie and i can put my foot behind my head"... That desperate.
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
you were screaming "I don't need a shirt!" repeatedly while in the process of taking it off and flashing the bouncer. we got kicked out. thanks a lot.
Randomize
