So there are ramen noodles in the shower you need to explain...
i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
On my list on ridiculous morning after bus rides home, still sopping wet and carrying a giant straw hat is definitely top five
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
I don't know if you remember, but I was only wearing an afghan.
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
Archery is over so let's go back to not giving a fuck for the next 3 years and 11 months
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
Oohh. Then yes, he is the Alpha Fuckboy.
Randomize
