I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
That girl would be great looking if she lost 1000 pounds and cut off her head.
New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
It was a blind-side dick pic.
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
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