Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
Of course it may just be the context. A dish of dog food would look lovely next to your breasts.
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
I wiped my ass with some girl's sock, I would honestly admit if I hate Caitlin's sandwich.
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
Dude. I just got a visual of u climbing over a bathroom stall to save my life.
Randomize
