Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
I came over to get dick...not to watch you vacuum....at 2 AM
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
Randomize
