Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
the tile , carpet , walls , cabinets , even the ceiling ... there is Jello everywhere
it was your idea to have indoor Jello wrestling man
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
Randomize