Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
What are you talking about? Keg stands at wedding are super classy.
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