dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
Grown men dancing to Spice Girls and a girl wearing one shoe. I belong here
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
May or may not be going home with my jamitor. i'm kiddong, btw, i have no idea. i'll let you know soooon.
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
I just woke up with a pair of handcuffs in my pants, can u explain this?
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
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