I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
I don't know what that means. Any of it. BUT I will be at your house at 10:20 and you better be ready to get high as balls.
Btw I appreciate you as a friend for taking the time to validate my sluttiness
What the hell kind of sad excuse for a bottom are you
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
