Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
He went down on me in his escalade and his dick is bigger than my forearm. I'm never going back to white guys.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
It's a self-perpetuating puke chain.
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
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