FYI..good luck when you get back from work.. mom and dad know about the boy you brought home last night
haha good one..how did you even know?
we all know. he obviously didn't leave when you might have told him to.. he came down when we were eating because he coud smell mom's cooking. the dude ate with us and offered to say grace. so yeah, good luck.
Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
It's becoming clear to me that I am not sugar baby material. I don't think I could handle old balls long term.
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
Randomize
