Um, I don't know who U MEANT to send that to, but yes I WAS going to fuck you. Instead you can go play Halo with ur friends.
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
cant help it. i get a boner every time that shake weight infomercial comes on
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
I don't care who it's from we're getting blown. It's a 3 day weekend anything can happen
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
He said I could stop sending ass pics now and just say hello. I'm not sure if that means he's no longer interested, or that he's a gentleman??
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
Randomize