my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
I would compare it to a jeffrey but in smoothie form. More drugs in here than Bobby Brown's sock drawer.
You are right. The scrape marks on her ass are from her breaking the doggy door by crawling through it.
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
Randomize
