the beds are so narrow its like a jenga threesome
my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
We tried to play doctor all sexually then he was taking down my 'symptoms' I said I needed to puke he thought it was part of the game
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Randomize