I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
We're on a cock hunt. Everything is fair game.
I can coach you back to consumption. Think of it kinda like Rocky II.
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
I've slapped too many boys and done too many naked laps for it only to be 10:30pm
She said if you lived here it would be like the x rated version of 3's company
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
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