so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
whispering "taste the rainbow" well having sex isn't my biggest turn on.
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
i have to go- we're throwing the dummy from the balcony again
I am unable to type or say "unprotected, receptive anal sex" with a straight face. clearly, HIV was a poor research paper topic choice.
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
It's like he drunk calls 6 times for me to come over, but can't say hello at lunch.
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
No my problem is I'm working and its a beautiful Saturday. I should be recovering from a hangover and out golfing. Fuck responsibility. I miss college.
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
Randomize
