I accidentally burped into my bong.
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
they just tried to tell me they weren't big into drugs. A) it was the 70's. B) I've seen the pictures.
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
Just because he's a soilder doesn't mean his dick is a hero.
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
He is currently passed out on his toilet. Point day drinking.
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
Randomize
