i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
So apparently last night I was running around columbus circle station screaming that Obama was a pussy and that "waterboarding should always be an option" lol
They past out watching a re-run of the 1984 presidential debate on cspan
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
Hope I didn't wake u up but I woke up and there is a shirt, boxers, belt and jeans on my balcony, along with a naked guy who claimed to scale the building
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
so let me get this straight... she's showing a cameltoe that can be seen from the space station and I'm NOT supposed to stare?
this dude is way too smart. he just explained to me the different scientific components of drugs while we smoked. i said i loved icecream.
Randomize
